Hey, so we meet again. How’s everything with you?

Sorry I had to take you offline for a while, I didn’t know what the hell I’m going on in my life at the beginning of this month.

Inching closer and closer to Halloween, my body is excited, but my mind dwells on falling asleep and never waking up.

Have you ever felt stressed boil so hard within your mind that you’re wanting to rip your skull open, watching the blood pour on the floor with ease? That’s how I feel right now, except probably worse if I didn’t take half of this melatonin and a piece of an antidepressant.

You see, this month was supposed to be the month we were to move in our own home, or at least have a new car instead of driving around in our 2003 Ford Taurus. But every time you looked up we have to shell out almost $500 every 2 weeks just to keep the car running.

Now, here we are aggressively approaching November. We have nothing to show for it in our bank accounts and I don’t think my spirit can hang on any much longer. My husband is working a whole lot more, so I’m stuck at home with an autistic schizophrenic sibling and five kids.

Out of everyone in this household, my sibling and I are the only ones that are adults. However, when you look deeper into my situation, I am the only one that is truly becoming the adult I never wanted to be.

I’ve always visioned myself away from my folks home, in my own place. I never saw myself sleeping with three eyes open every night and excessive screaming between him and the kids.

Dear God,

I think this is funny to you now, especially since you know everything yet come off as you know nothing. I’m not upset with you at all, although, I know I should be because we both know I deserve better.

Why should my husband have to work almost five jobs and still getting nowhere? Why am I struggling with college and trying to put some form of passive income in our bank account so we can at least get a new cash card before our current one murder itself on the highway or something?

Did I not pray enough?

My mother always told me to stop wallowing and pity and do something about it. The only thing I’ve done is detach myself from mentally draining projects and sat around and did nothing. Hell, I’m seriously going against the grain right now and it’s only a matter of time before the big dogs find out what I’m doing with their funds.

So big man upstairs, what are we going to do about this and how soon can we get this done? I’m pretty tired staying at home now, let alone parenting four kids by myself while protecting my baby sister from our sibling. You know as well as I do that one false move and it’s game over for everyone.

Each day I worry that my stress and my siblings’ upbringing (lacking proper mental health resources) is slowly rubbing off on our kids. I don’t even know if it’s normal for toddlers going on 6 years old to talk to themselves when they’re alone.

As I end this agonizing prayer, the only thing I ask for is for your help. I know we need a new car, but right now I kill for a new place any day.

I don’t think it’s right that I have to sleep with a knife under my pillow. Don’t you?

Amen

Anyway …

Shifting through my old journal entries, I noticed that when things start going good I get stuck. Usually it will be people blocking me from my success and joy.

Now, where I am in my life, it’s only one person in my way and a lot of dead presidents avoiding my bank account.

Aside from prayer, the only thing I can do is detach my life from everything and reattach it to something worthwhile. I miss my husband dearly, more than he’ll ever know. Also, this is about to be day 5 that I haven’t heard from him (my husband). It’s almost been a solid week and I don’t know what else I can do except wait. Honestly, I’m glad that I’m not how I used to be.

Several years ago, I would substitute my loneliness with temporary affection and excessive attention from outside men. I never had a stable relationship, let alone wanted to feel affection whenever I was in a relationship. Now, married with four kids, I realized that he means more to me than putting on deodorant right before the most important business meeting in my entire life.

Babe…

I’m sorry if I’m calling out to you more than anticipated. Don’t forget we (the kids and I) are here waiting for you. Don’t forget we need you home so we can go ahead and find a new home.

Maybe if I cook a really good veggie meal he’ll call me, saying that I need to open the door for him and getting the hair oils ready for his delicious beard and his luxurious locs. Whatever I was on when we first started talking I’m glad I’m off of it.

I remember him telling me that if I don’t appreciate them while he’s physically here don’t chase after him when he’s gone. Thankfully I’m pushing to be a better woman each and every day, and love harder than ever.

I miss him too much, I miss my freedom too much.

Hopefully soon we’ll be able to move and not worry about possibly dying in our sleep because my sibling cannot control the voices ringing in his head.

Ahnhared “Hari” Horne 2021©™

Until next time…